Those of you who know me already know that I have bipolar disorder like a mofo. Those who don't know me well or haven't known me long are likely not surprised but are nodding their heads as they're reading because NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE! And those of you who don't know much about bipolar disorder or have never had the pleasure of knowing someone with it...well, y'all should read more and interact with folks. We "crazies" are all over the place.
I don't mind having bipolar disorder. For years I did. For years it was something I was ashamed of. I didn't want people to know. I didn't want people thinking I was different or not "normal". It took a long ass time for me to embrace who I am and be okay with it. There are still times when it bothers me. It bothers me now because I've been stuck in a manic episode for over a month and if you've never seen me when I'm manic, the best bet is just stay away until it's over. I anger easily, I say ANYTHING that comes to mind regardless of how inappropriate. My mind doesn't stop. And the stuff that simply rubs you "normal" people the wrong way will set me right the fuck off. 0 to 90 in .2 seconds. Believe that.
But even when I'm being taken over by mania, I still can appreciate that bi-polar disorder is a part of me. Not the best part...but not the worst either. I accept it. I manage to cope well most of the time and I no longer let it take over my entire world. I am STILL referred to as "that crazy redhead girl" because of shit I did more than ten years ago during a manic episode. And 9 times out of 10, I'm cool with that.
Until...
It started affecting my daughter. Not me...not my bi-polar disorder. But people. The "normal" people. First of all...what in the hell does normal MEAN? That you're married with 2.5 kids living in suburbia? Does that make people normal? Or just not having a mental disorder? (Which BTW, we don't ask for nor do we control having.)
Is it normal to tell others they aren't normal? That seems rather mean. Hell, as mean as people say I am I wouldn't even stoop that low. Especially when dealing with a person who has a mental disorder. Trust...it ain't easy being me. This isn't about me though. It's about what "normal" people do to the minds of those they perceive as abnormal.
My daughter is 12 years old...soon to be 13. She was diagnosed with ADD during first grade. Before she was diagnosed, I, like many others, thought ADD was a cop out for shitty parenting. Well, imagine sitting with your first grader for TWO HOURS helping her figure out how to add 2+5.
2+5
TWO HOURS!
And after two hours she finally gets it! Hoo-freakin-ray!
Before writing down the answer she goes to the bathroom. It's only a few minutes later when she comes back and sits down...and when she does the fires of hell unleash and an emotional break down ensures. Why? Because she looks at the paper and sees that the math problem isn't 2+5, it's 5+2.
Shortly after she was started on medication and literally the first day she took it I thought the heavens had opened and shown a light straight on top of her head. The difference was absolute night and day. Homework that had previously taken hours now took 20 minutes. But it didn't end there.
For the next 4+ years she continued to struggle emotionally. Other kids tease her and the word freak is thrown around regularly. Why?
2 reasons.
1. She ISN'T like everyone else. She marches to the beat of whichever drummer she happens to have a crush on today. She not yet quick witted and laughs at things no one finds funny except for her.
2. You folks who say stuff about "normal" pass that ridiculous nonsense onto your children. Whether you mean to or not...they hear you say it and they in turn copy you. And although you may not think your kids are mean little shits, I assure you, they harm others in ways you couldn't possibly imagine if you haven't lived it.
Recently, on top of having ADD, my daughter was also diagnosed with uni-polar. It's bi-polar without mania. Yep, you got it...depression. And not just depression, but depression that comes out of nowhere for no apparent reason. Except sometimes she does have a reason. And her reason is people suck.
It's hard enough to be 12. Then you throw in the fact that she struggles with ADD. She finds it hard to focus, organization is totally lost on her and as hard as she tries, some things just don't work out in her favor. THEN throw in her "monthly visitor" or as I like to call it, bloods dripping out of your vagina. That's not quite enough...she's my kid, so she must be tough as nails. So why the hell not...put depression on top of it. But not depression like my cat died and I'm sad. Depression like I feel so hopeless that I literally want to die but I don't know why.
Isn't that enough? Isn't all that shit enough for one CHILD to deal with WITHOUT people reminding her that she's not "normal"?
If normal means my kids define others as freaks, I'm glad they aren't normal. If normal means that my child says horrid shit that makes other children feel like they only answer is suicide...I'll pass.
2.5 kids, living in suburbia with 9-5's? No thanks.
My life is sometimes out or order, my mind is occasionally out of control. I sometimes say shit I wouldn't say if it weren't for being manic. But I'd rather be me any day of the week than be the type of person who classifies others and teaches my children about "normal". My daughter is loving and forgiving to a fault. She is kind to people who don't deserve her kindness. She is creative and imaginative. Nope...she doesn't get straight A's and has never been on honor roll...but you know what? That's absolutely okay. She is her. SHE IS AS NORMAL AS SHE EVER NEEDS TO BE. And there is not one thing I would change about her.
I think everyone sometimes says shit they later realize they probably shouldn't have. I know damn well I do. And people are free to do as they wish. But I HOPE at least one of you reading this remembers that whether you mean something in a bad way or not...what spews out of your mouth will eventually spew out of your child.
You can have your mean. I'll keep my perfect, wonderful, amazing, not "normal". She is far more magnificent than many will ever be able to comprehend.
P.S. Nobody remembers the "normal" girls. Just sayin. ;-)
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