Happier Holidays

I'm not big on holidays. Never have been. It got worse after my son passed away. Then got better when I met my husband...but I've never been into holidays the way most are. I guess part of it has to do with my childhood and remembering how the holidays ended in drunken fights between my parents. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I've lost so many I love and all had died during the Oct-Jan time of year. Part of it has to do with the stress and financial strain. And part even has to do with my bi-polar disorder and how the hustle and bustle effects me emotionally and mentally.

There have been years when my children would have had nothing at all if it weren't for the caring nature of dear friends. There have also been years when my cup runneth over and my kids received way more than they could have ever imagined. After talking it over with my husband, we decided that it would be in our best interest and the interest of our children to skip this Christmas. This year there will be no gifts. No tree. No Christmas feast. It's the first time there's been nothing.

And now that we've made that decision, I'm more excited about Christmas than I have been in YEARS.

Now, before y'all start feeling sorry for my children...don't. Do they have everything they want? No. Do they have everything they NEED? Yeah...for the most part, they do. My step-daughter will be with her mother on Christmas day so she WILL have Christmas. Just not with us. And my daughter was given the option of going to her Dads for Christmas and she's opted to be with me knowing there is no Christmas.

But there WILL be a Christmas. Just not the kind she's used to.

My kids aren't little anymore. They know Santa isn't real. They know it's my husband and I putting the gifts under the tree. And I know that as they get older the gifts cost a heck of a lot more now than they did when they girls were 5. They also know that since I lost my job in September money is tight and I'm behind on my bills. I'm working from home with an online company now but I haven't gotten caught up on my bills yet. If I don't have money to pay my bills, I can't see spending money on stuff they don't NEED. But, I am excited to use this opportunity to teach my daughter a life lesson I hope she takes with her into her adult years.

Life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. And sometimes you have to go without. But you don't need to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. You live within your means. If your means can't pay your bills then your means can't buy stuff. And when your means are limited, you find ways of filling your heart with something better than stuff. You remind yourself that even though your life isn't great...it's better than so many.

I've asked my local friends to lend me a hand by giving me their yarn. Yes, yarn. For the next two weeks my hands will be kept busy crocheting scarves. We won't be sitting around thinking about what we wished we have. We're going to start a new tradition. The tradition of giving.

Not giving to one another. We do that all year long. This year, we're going to give to those less fortunate.

My daughter and I will be spending Christmas at a soup kitchen and a nursing home. We're going to do whatever we can to help whether it be serve food, wash dishes or just spend time with fellow humans and share our love. We'll be passing out scarves to those who need them and I couldn't be any more excited. And my excitement grows every time I talk to my almost 13 year old about it and see that she's not sad at all. She's not feeling sorry for herself. She doesn't even seem bothered. What's important to her is just being with me. How freaking awesome is this kid?

I am blessed. I have amazing friends, I have some family left, I have a husband who loves me and wonderful children. I have a roof over my head. My cabinets are bare but I'm still eating. And soon enough I'll get caught up on my bills. I have an amazing God who continues to love me despite my shortcomings. And not only does He love me, He shows me He loves me with His blessings. And I intend to have an AMAZING Christmas. I wish you all the same.