Happier Holidays

I'm not big on holidays. Never have been. It got worse after my son passed away. Then got better when I met my husband...but I've never been into holidays the way most are. I guess part of it has to do with my childhood and remembering how the holidays ended in drunken fights between my parents. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I've lost so many I love and all had died during the Oct-Jan time of year. Part of it has to do with the stress and financial strain. And part even has to do with my bi-polar disorder and how the hustle and bustle effects me emotionally and mentally.

There have been years when my children would have had nothing at all if it weren't for the caring nature of dear friends. There have also been years when my cup runneth over and my kids received way more than they could have ever imagined. After talking it over with my husband, we decided that it would be in our best interest and the interest of our children to skip this Christmas. This year there will be no gifts. No tree. No Christmas feast. It's the first time there's been nothing.

And now that we've made that decision, I'm more excited about Christmas than I have been in YEARS.

Now, before y'all start feeling sorry for my children...don't. Do they have everything they want? No. Do they have everything they NEED? Yeah...for the most part, they do. My step-daughter will be with her mother on Christmas day so she WILL have Christmas. Just not with us. And my daughter was given the option of going to her Dads for Christmas and she's opted to be with me knowing there is no Christmas.

But there WILL be a Christmas. Just not the kind she's used to.

My kids aren't little anymore. They know Santa isn't real. They know it's my husband and I putting the gifts under the tree. And I know that as they get older the gifts cost a heck of a lot more now than they did when they girls were 5. They also know that since I lost my job in September money is tight and I'm behind on my bills. I'm working from home with an online company now but I haven't gotten caught up on my bills yet. If I don't have money to pay my bills, I can't see spending money on stuff they don't NEED. But, I am excited to use this opportunity to teach my daughter a life lesson I hope she takes with her into her adult years.

Life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. And sometimes you have to go without. But you don't need to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. You live within your means. If your means can't pay your bills then your means can't buy stuff. And when your means are limited, you find ways of filling your heart with something better than stuff. You remind yourself that even though your life isn't great...it's better than so many.

I've asked my local friends to lend me a hand by giving me their yarn. Yes, yarn. For the next two weeks my hands will be kept busy crocheting scarves. We won't be sitting around thinking about what we wished we have. We're going to start a new tradition. The tradition of giving.

Not giving to one another. We do that all year long. This year, we're going to give to those less fortunate.

My daughter and I will be spending Christmas at a soup kitchen and a nursing home. We're going to do whatever we can to help whether it be serve food, wash dishes or just spend time with fellow humans and share our love. We'll be passing out scarves to those who need them and I couldn't be any more excited. And my excitement grows every time I talk to my almost 13 year old about it and see that she's not sad at all. She's not feeling sorry for herself. She doesn't even seem bothered. What's important to her is just being with me. How freaking awesome is this kid?

I am blessed. I have amazing friends, I have some family left, I have a husband who loves me and wonderful children. I have a roof over my head. My cabinets are bare but I'm still eating. And soon enough I'll get caught up on my bills. I have an amazing God who continues to love me despite my shortcomings. And not only does He love me, He shows me He loves me with His blessings. And I intend to have an AMAZING Christmas. I wish you all the same.

That Ain't Right VS It's So Damn Funny

Oh me, oh my. What to write about today...hmmm...

Oh! I know! Let's talk about Miss Lexie Parker!

Most of y'all probably have no clue who she is. Well, join the club! I tried to figure it out but this bitch is sneaky. She ain't gonna let no one know who she is.

I live in a county in Southern, Maryland. Within the county is lots of little individual towns. One of which is called Lexington Park. I guess if you had to pick a bad part of the county, Lexington Park would be that part in many folks eyes.

So, along comes some chick, we'll call her "Wendy". (I doubt that's her real name. I don't know her real name so don't ask me who she is.) So Wendy decides she's going to make a FB page and call it Lexie Parker...Gossip Queen. I'm not sure why she called it that because the gossip doesn't even come from her.

People around the county message her. They send her pictures and general nonsense and she posts it. Whoever sends her the stories gets to remain anonymous. So basically, you can send her pictures of your ex and tell her all the horrid shit he did and she'll let the whole county know. BUT...no one gets to know who sent the gossip to her or who SHE is.

When I first joined the page, the nice part of me thought, "This is some common shit right here. Who in the hell does she think she is? She's ruining people's lives!" The not so nice part of me thought, "OMG! This is some funny shit! Oh no! I know that girl! I can't believe she's doing that! Bwahahaha!"

Being a part of the page has been a moral struggle. (Not one I waste a lot of time on.) It's wrong. I know it's wrong. Now, mind you, if these were celebrities who chose to live in the public eye...okay, go for it. But these are just normal people living their lives and then suddenly all their pictures they sent that dude they were doing magically find their way to the Gossip page. Pictures their husbands didn't even know existed. Now their happy little home ain't so happy. BUT...if they have a problem with the world knowing what they're doing, why do it?

And yet, it's like a car wreck that you just can't look away from.

And honestly, there are some lessons to be learned by the Lexie Parker page. Like...don't send pictures to ANYONE. Don't trust your best friends with your secrets. And if you find some gossip about yourself, under NO circumstances should you contact "Wendy" in a negative way to remove them. You piss her off and those pictures that once had a kitty face covering your hooha will no longer be censored. And trust this...if your pictures have been on Lexie Parker, I assure you they are now saved in about ten peoples phones. People that don't even know you will hold on to that shit...just. in. case.

Be careful who you piss off. ;-)

What would you do if your secrets were leaked?

Theresa Smith

I may end up on someones shit list for this but I'm willing to take that risk. This isn't meant to put anyone's personal business all out in the world for shits and giggles, but to inspire those of you who at some point in your life felt like you weren't worth much.

Many of us look at someone and we make up our minds in the first 5 minutes. We cast judgements and think we know what a persons all about. We think stuff, whether we say it out loud or not.

"Look at her! Isn't she like almost 40? Isn't she married? She thinks she's hot shit. I would NEVER do that."

Photo by: Tom Feaser

Theresa Smith hasn't quite made it to 40. She's married with three children and two grandchildren. She hasn't been a model all her life and she hasn't always believed in herself. She's conquered being on her own since the age of 14, addiction, abuse, and low self esteem, which yes, she still sometimes struggles with. (I know there's a whole mess of girls rolling their eyes right now. Self esteem issues are not set aside for those over weight or unattractive.)

I may be a bit biased when writing this because she is also one of my very best friends. We've known each other since we were young teens and to be completely honest...back then, she didn't mean much to me. Not that I didn't like her...she just didn't impact me. I was indifferent toward her. And way back then I wouldn't have referred to her as a friend. She was just some chick that ran in the same circle as me for a period of time.

Time is funny. It ages us, matures us, and makes us really look at people in our lives. Who I call a friend isn't something that comes easy. Well, that's not actually true. I befriend people constantly. And it seems that even now, at my age, I find that some I THINK are my friends are only my friends while I'm serving some purpose in their lives. Theresa is anything but a friend in passing. She's the chick you call when shit gets real. She's not the friend who calls and says "What can I do?", she's the friend who just shows up and does. Constantly giving of herself and asking nothing in return.

She started this modeling endeavor not quite 2 years ago I believe. It was intended to just be something for her to do for her. And for someone who does so much for others, it was a long time coming.

Photo by: Paul Allan

At first she didn't take it seriously. It was a hobby. And honestly, at that age, how many women are able to actually START modeling. Hell, most models are dried up and done by then. But Theresa rarely does shit in the way society says it should be done. To look at her you wouldn't think country. And yet, her idea of a good time is popping open a Bud Light and jumping on the back of a 4-wheeler. She smokes, cusses like a sailor and can hang with the boys any day of the week.

I can tell you ten things in 2 minutes that make her an amazing person...and yet, there are still days that she doesn't see it in herself. And you know what? That's okay. Because one of the things I admire most about Theresa is that she's a fighter. Even though she has days when she feels like her world is crashing down around her, she keeps getting up, brushing herself off, and putting herself back out there. She's not dumb...she knows there are females picking her pictures apart looking for every flaw they can find. And she knows there are men judging her only on these pictures...who see her as nothing more than something they can conquer.

There are so many of us who have no faith in ourselves. We lack self-worth, struggle with low self-esteem and even though we may only show the hard side of ourselves to the rest of the world, inside, we are questioning everything we do. We look in the mirror and pick OURSELVES apart. We turn and bend and go to a different mirror to see if we still look okay in brighter lighting. You girls know exactly what I'm talking about.

Photo by: William Haubert

Several years ago I was talking to a thin, attractive female and I was listening to her talk about how she felt unattractive. Like many, my reaction was, "You're thin and hot. Quit your bitching.", and suddenly it all made sense. Because Theresa is so much like that girl. Yes...she's thin. Yes...she's attractive. But she doesn't always FEEL thin and attractive. That's not the reflection she sees every day. And yet, because WE see her as thin and attractive, we dismiss her feelings. When what we should be doing as women, is building one another up...instead, we rip her to shreds because WE don't think she should feel this way.

And this is exactly why I admire her. Because as one of her best friends, I know what she feels is genuine. I know she beats herself up. I know she cries in her pillow at night. And yet she continues to fight within herself. She continues to put herself out there for us all to pick apart. She doesn't allow her demons in her own mind to stop her from living her dreams and accomplishing her goals. And unlike the chunky, the homely, the girls who have many reasons in their own minds to have low self esteem, Theresa doesn't get the support from other females to feel better about herself. No ones telling her, "You're pretty just the way you are."

Photo by: William Haubert

She's held to some invisible higher standard and instead of letting it keep her down, she strives to do what most of us don't have the courage to do. So the next time you're feeling fat or having a bad hair day or don't want to leave your house because you're bloated and have that God awful period zit...you can either choose to feel sorry for yourself, or you can brush that shit off  and get back out there. Go out into the world and live your dreams. Become what YOU choose, not what society chooses for you!

If you'd like to learn more about Theresa, like her fan page on FB.

(I have no claim to any of these pictures. The amazing photographers responsible can be contacted by clicking the links under the photos which will direct you to their FB pages.)

What!? IWTYWIMIYGMAD

Have y'all seen this? It's a list made by a We Hate Gays, I mean Chick-fil-A manager. It's compiled of a bunch of words and phrases he didn't want the employees using while on the clock. Slang really. And although I don't eat there often, not that I don't enjoy the food but I TRY not to support companies that don't support folks like myself, (Occasionally I succumb to temptation regardless...Fat girl problems are the worst.), I can absolutely appreciate where this manager was coming from. 

Slang has been around since the beginning of time. With each new generations comes the use of new words.

In the 20's it was:
Oh Applesauce! = Oh damn!

Hen coop = Hair salon

Big Cheese = Boss man

In the 50's:

Bad = Good

Get bent = Drop dead or go to hell

No sweat = No problem

And the 90's:

Let's dip = We're leaving

Bling = Jewelry

Going postal = Going crazy (We thank the postal service for that one.)

Slang in and of itself isn't a bad thing. We progress as a society and as we do, each generation adds to our vocabulary. Sometimes they give us a few good words that stick around like "cool", but it seems as society advances, slang has suddenly taken a HUGE step back. My own opinion is that technology is making people lazy and dumbing folks down. Thank God for Urban Dictionary or I would be completely lost when trying to decipher my daughters messages.

On top of slang we now deal with text talk as well, which evidently is not JUST for texting.

I think I'm a pretty understanding parent for the most part. I know at my daughters age she's going to curse so she's permitted to do so in front of me on the condition that she uses terms in the correct way and not towards people. She's allowed to say, "The girl bitched and complained all day long." She is NOT allowed to say, "You're being a bitch." (Unless of course she's just looking for a long stay in a boring room with no electricity. She can say whatever she wants if she's willing to accept the consequences.)

I get that her generation is going to say some things that make no sense to me bruh, (Thanks Dog), or that I'll have to go to Urban Dictionary to figure out. It's just the change of times and we can change with it or not. I'm nosey so I like to know what people are talking about, but I'll admit, I have a list of my own of words and phrases that drives me nuts. (See how I used slang there to convey what I'm saying without you having to look it up? You can't REALLY drive someone nuts. Unless you're going to a town called Nuts and I don't know where that's at.) I feel like every time I hear these things my brain shrinks a little.

Some things are the same as the manager above, but there's a few not on there as well. So here's some current day slang that makes me want to live in the 50's.

1. Nigga = That's my nigga yo. (Let's face it. This word was derived from the word nigger. I don't give a rats ass if you're white, black, purple or orange. It's a racist term. The fact that African Americans choose to use this word is utterly ridiculous to me. They oughta feel ashamed of themselves. The fact that others use it makes me wonder if they have a shred of decency. And I'll be damned if it's going to come out of my child's mouth.)

2. Are you mad or naw? = Self explanatory and fucking dumb. If the answer is no, people will just say no. And WTF is there purpose of replacing NO with NAW? My dog likes to NAW on her bone. Dumb asses. P.S. I know that what my dog does is spelled g-n-a-w. I wish she'd gnaw the foot off folks who say naw.

3. All up in my feelings/Feelin some sorta way = It's upset and/or pissed me off. This one isn't SO bad. I've been known to say it myself. Mostly because when folks my age use current day slang it can sometimes be funny. We simply aren't cool no matter how hard we pretend to be. But it can be hilarious to see a teens reaction when an adult throws their terms back at them and even manages to use them in proper context.

Speaking of proper context...

4. THOT = That hoe over there. STUPIDEST FUCKING SLANG OF ALL TIME. That hoe over there? Are you serious!? There is NO way to use this term and have it sound right. "OMG, look at that THOT." 

Hey Einstein...you just said THAT twice! You would have to say "Look at thot." and that sounds even worse. How about just saying that bitch is a hoe and keep it moving!?

5. Ish = Kind of. This one isn't so bad either. I've never said it because it's not a complete word. I had never even heard it until about 2 months ago when my step-daughter came home from her Moms and said it. In and of itself, it's not TERRIBLE, but it annoys ME and therefore is off limits to my girls. Does it bother them that they aren't allowed to say it? Ish.

6. Totes = Totally. I've seen just as many folks my age say this as teens. This one doesn't really bother me when my children say it. I find it to be a completely acceptable term for THEIR AGE GROUP. When folks MY AGE say it...I just SMFH. (I know I'm being hypocritical. Remember how I told y'all this is MY world?)

7. Cray Cray = Crazy See my explanation for #6. ^

8. Thirsty = Desperate. Another I've used myself to let my daughter know I'm just as smart as she is. Actually, I think one of her friends had to tell me what it meant. When I'm thirsty, I get myself some water. FYI, soda does nothing to truly quench thirst. Drink more water people. It's good for you. Doesn't make you seem as ignorant as some of these words do.

P.S. LOL worked just fine. There was no reason to add BOL. And if you aren't REALLY busting out laughing, why say you are? 

P.S. #2 The Ebola one on the managers list is funny as shit. I don't care who you are.

What current slang makes you want to give yourself a swirly so you can flush the nonsense out of your brain?

Being Normal Is Boring

I have a friend who left a comment on a post I'd made on Facebook about blogging again. Her comment about me blogging and all my nonsense you will end up reading about was, "Makes the rest of us realize we are more normal than we thought." Now, before you get your panties in a knot, I assure you she didn't mean it in a nasty or criticizing way. Well, 97% sure anyway. She coulda just been getting me back...but that's not generally her personality so I doubt it. It did trigger something though, due to some of the recent things that have been happening in my world.

Those of you who know me already know that I have bipolar disorder like a mofo. Those who don't know me well or haven't known me long are likely not surprised but are nodding their heads as they're reading because NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE! And those of you who don't know much about bipolar disorder or have never had the pleasure of knowing someone with it...well, y'all should read more and interact with folks. We "crazies" are all over the place.

I don't mind having bipolar disorder. For years I did. For years it was something I was ashamed of. I didn't want people to know. I didn't want people thinking I was different or not "normal". It took a long ass time for me to embrace who I am and be okay with it. There are still times when it bothers me. It bothers me now because I've been stuck in a manic episode for over a month and if you've never seen me when I'm manic, the best bet is just stay away until it's over. I anger easily, I say ANYTHING that comes to mind regardless of how inappropriate. My mind doesn't stop. And the stuff that simply rubs you "normal" people the wrong way will set me right the fuck off. 0 to 90 in .2 seconds. Believe that.

But even when I'm being taken over by mania, I still can appreciate that bi-polar disorder is a part of me. Not the best part...but not the worst either. I accept it. I manage to cope well most of the time and I no longer let it take over my entire world. I am STILL referred to as "that crazy redhead girl" because of shit I did more than ten years ago during a manic episode. And 9 times out of 10, I'm cool with that.

Until...

It started affecting my daughter. Not me...not my bi-polar disorder. But people. The "normal" people. First of all...what in the hell does normal MEAN? That you're married with 2.5 kids living in suburbia? Does that make people normal? Or just not having a mental disorder? (Which BTW, we don't ask for nor do we control having.)

Is it normal to tell others they aren't normal? That seems rather mean. Hell, as mean as people say I am I wouldn't even stoop that low. Especially when dealing with a person who has a mental disorder. Trust...it ain't easy being me. This isn't about me though. It's about what "normal" people do to the minds of those they perceive as abnormal.

My daughter is 12 years old...soon to be 13. She was diagnosed with ADD during first grade. Before she was diagnosed, I, like many others, thought ADD was a cop out for shitty parenting. Well, imagine sitting with your first grader for TWO HOURS helping her figure out how to add 2+5.

2+5

TWO HOURS!

And after two hours she finally gets it! Hoo-freakin-ray!

Before writing down the answer she goes to the bathroom. It's only a few minutes later when she comes back and sits down...and when she does the fires of hell unleash and an emotional break down ensures. Why? Because she looks at the paper and sees that the math problem isn't 2+5, it's 5+2.

Shortly after she was started on medication and literally the first day she took it I thought the heavens had opened and shown a light straight on top of her head. The difference was absolute night and day. Homework that had previously taken hours now took 20 minutes. But it didn't end there.

For the next 4+ years she continued to struggle emotionally. Other kids tease her and the word freak is thrown around regularly. Why?

2 reasons.

1. She ISN'T like everyone else. She marches to the beat of whichever drummer she happens to have a crush on today. She not yet quick witted and laughs at things no one finds funny except for her.

2. You folks who say stuff about "normal" pass that ridiculous nonsense onto your children. Whether you mean to or not...they hear you say it and they in turn copy you. And although you may not think your kids are mean little shits, I assure you, they harm others in ways you couldn't possibly imagine if you haven't lived it.

Recently, on top of having ADD, my daughter was also diagnosed with uni-polar. It's bi-polar without mania. Yep, you got it...depression. And not just depression, but depression that comes out of nowhere for no apparent reason. Except sometimes she does have a reason. And her reason is people suck.

It's hard enough to be 12. Then you throw in the fact that she struggles with ADD. She finds it hard to focus, organization is totally lost on her and as hard as she tries, some things just don't work out in her favor. THEN throw in her "monthly visitor" or as I like to call it, bloods dripping out of your vagina. That's not quite enough...she's my kid, so she must be tough as nails. So why the hell not...put depression on top of it. But not depression like my cat died and I'm sad. Depression like I feel so hopeless that I literally want to die but I don't know why.

Isn't that enough? Isn't all that shit enough for one CHILD to deal with WITHOUT people reminding her that she's not "normal"?

If normal means my kids define others as freaks, I'm glad they aren't normal. If normal means that my child says horrid shit that makes other children feel like they only answer is suicide...I'll pass.

2.5 kids, living in suburbia with 9-5's? No thanks.

My life is sometimes out or order, my mind is occasionally out of control. I sometimes say shit I wouldn't say if it weren't for being manic. But I'd rather be me any day of the week than be the type of person who classifies others and teaches my children about "normal". My daughter is loving and forgiving to a fault. She is kind to people who don't deserve her kindness. She is creative and imaginative. Nope...she doesn't get straight A's and has never been on honor roll...but you know what? That's absolutely okay. She is her. SHE IS AS NORMAL AS SHE EVER NEEDS TO BE. And there is not one thing I would change about her.

I think everyone sometimes says shit they later realize they probably shouldn't have. I know damn well I do. And people are free to do as they wish. But I HOPE at least one of you reading this remembers that whether you mean something in a bad way or not...what spews out of your mouth will eventually spew out of your child.

You can have your mean. I'll keep my perfect, wonderful, amazing, not "normal". She is far more magnificent than many will ever be able to comprehend.

P.S. Nobody remembers the "normal" girls. Just sayin. ;-)

Holy Moly...She's At It Again!

It's been a hot minute since I've written, much less kept up with a blog. But as some of you know I recently started working from home, so why the hell not!? Y'all know damn well you miss my blogs! And working from home instead of in a restaurant doesn't afford me the opportunity to joke around and run my mouth which means momma needs a new outlet!

It'll take a few days for me to figure it all out again and learn to navigate it properly. It's been more than 5 years since I did any writing other than in the book I keep for my Chicken. So, while I'm figuring it all out and making it look the way I want it to look, y'all should leave some comments and let me know whatcha wanna hear about! Current event happening? Problems with kids? Wanna know what's going on with mine? Got some new product you want me to check out? (FYI: For those that don't know me, I'm a straight shooter so be careful what you ask for!) The opportunities are endless! And if you don't leave me any suggestions, then you don't get to complain about what I'm posting! In case any of you have forgotten...this is MY world. I just like you all enough to let you live in it. Bazinga!

P.S. The title of this page will undoubtedly change. That's just what popped in my head at the time. If you don't know what it means, go to you tube and put it in their search bar. ;-) Oldie but goodie.